Ashes to ashes and dirt to dust.
Birth and death are the one certainties on this beautiful, brutal world of ours, and the most effective we will do is make the space between them unforgettable.
To cite the writer of Cancer and the Cultural Critic Hunter S. Thompson, who lived by his own rules and died by his own hand: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of getting there safely in a pleasant and well-preserved body. but reasonably to slip broadside in a cloud of smoke, completely worn out, completely worn out and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a ride!”
To rejoice this joyous ride, and in view of our universal imminent death, we present an inventory of probable causes of death for every zodiac sign.
This guide is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only.
Keep reading and live long.
This Fire Sign Dies By Swinging A Baseball Bat So Hard They Rip The Internal Organs A la An Aries Slugger Jim Creightonwho hit a house run that sent him down the drain. This sign is tough to disregard or turn down a bet, as within the case of probable ram Sergei Tuganov, who suffered a fatal heart attack after betting a 4K buddy that he could have sex for twelve hours straight. The nail in his coffin was a mix of cardio and the consequence of drinking a complete bottle of Viagra.
![thanksgiving dinner](https://nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2020/11/de-blasio-gatherings-02.jpg?w=1024)
Taurus is the sort of sign that by chance suffocates in a bag of chips or dies by falling away from bed. Gluttony is the flock’s favorite sin, which manifests itself in a regal, champagne-sipping, pie-loving bull King Adolf Frederick of Sweden who legally ate himself to death during Mardi Gras in 1771.
Easily distracted and completely giddy, Gemini dies when multitasking; they struggle to text their ex, change the radio station, curl their eyelashes and crush Adderall, all while driving a motorized vehicle.
Often overwhelmed by feelings and unable to specific his despair, Cancer is killed by the crushing weight of collected emotional baggage, unpaid parking tickets, tattered stuffed animals, sweater collections, and mountains of unfulfilled expectations.
![selfies.](https://nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2015/02/selfiestick.jpg?w=1024)
Leo is considered one of those that fall to their deaths attempting to do tasteful nudity on a balcony. Rulers of the fifth house of fun, there may be a very good probability they will dance to the grave, as did the people of Strasbourg within the 12 months of our master 1518. In arguably the deadliest death of all time, Jamaican activist and apogee Leo Marcus Garvey died of a stroke after reading his own inaccurate and prematurely published obituary.
Perpetually let down by his fellow humans and all the time caught between wanting to assist and wanting to retreat, Virgo eventually dies of boredom, falls out of a tree, or chokes on herbal supplements and/or his own bitter disappointments.
A veritable bunch of nasty flirts, notorious whores and vain libertines, Libra is killed by their lover’s jealous wife/husband, untreated syphilis, or complications from botched cosmetic surgery. Ruled by Venus, the planet of affection and luxury, it follows Libra George Plantagenetgiven the alternative of execution method, he selected, quite poetically, to drown himself in a malmsey wine barrel. Big plus for GP for being the rare form of Libra that’s in a position to make a call.
![Resentment](https://nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2020/05/The-Grudge.png?w=1024)
It’s a tough query since the Scorpio never really dies, but as an alternative lives on within the grudges they harbor, the curses they forged, and the curses they carry. Power players, witchcraft practitioners and rulers of the eighth house of sex, death and other people’s money are the sign most definitely to fake their very own death and/or get away with murder.
All the time attempting to have a good time on a regular basis and never wanting the party to finish and the music to stop, Sagittarius is killed by a misguided champagne stopper, dies laughing at his own, or suffocates in a partially deflated inflatable house.
Hardworking, punitive and serious about profits, capital and other things, the Capricorn is crushed to death by a dropped bell, dies masturbating to a mattress covered in money, is killed by a dominatrix they tried to vary, or murdered by a mob of disgruntled employees.
![Rasputin](https://nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/12/gettyimages-538297783.jpg?w=987)
Since an Aquarius is more alien than human, with more mind than heart, it takes quite a little bit of effort to kill one. Consider Aquarius Gary Hoy, who in typical established characters died attempting to prove himself to be a water-bearer/villain-eyed wizard, Gregor Rasputin, who was poisoned, shot in the pinnacle, bludgeoned and castrated over and over before finally drowning within the frozen river. His pickled dick is now the topic of people legend, revered for its ability to miraculously cure blindness and make accurate predictions.
Incredibly sensitive, in love with escape, and crazily swinging between absolute empathy and utter nihilism, Pisces, subsisting on little greater than seawater and ether, dies of boredom or drowns in a bath.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the celebs
Astrologer Red Wigle explores and disparagingly informs about planetary configurations and their influence on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes mix history, poetry, popular culture and private experiences. She can also be an achieved author who has profiled a wide range of artists and performers in addition to writing extensively about her travel experiences. Amongst the various intriguing topics she has covered are graveyard etiquette, her love of dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” food available overseas.